Relationships are relatively elusive. I’ve settled A LOT and tolerated so much to this point in my life. It makes me feel like I can’t trust myself as the Arbiter of my Love Life since I also have been gifted with being this astounding level of frightful woman who is only watched and approached by creeps.
A major contention of sorts that has essentially prevented me from being able to tolerate anything stable for more than like 6 months is ambition. That is something I’ve constantly been hungry for from a partner and the one person whom I was attracted to who did have it just wasn’t about anything serious with me. MY LUCK. Even now, my current boyfriend isn’t ambitious and I’ve been pondering on my standards and just overall trying to get an idea of the love lives, relationships and marriages of people I admire.
Is it necessary to have a passionate, ambitious partner? I’m not even sure anymore. I know it’s something I’ve always wanted but I’ve also considered that I want someone who continually inspires me so I can get myself to stop being a lazy fuck. I want to follow someone else’s example more than anything; being a visionary and shit is fucking scary and thus I’m “so late” (27 really isn’t that late but if you listen to society’s rhetoric, I’m pretty much a failure forever) to the whole building my own path shit.
I just have a certain zest and enthusiasm for feeling things and I generally think that anybody I invest in should be my “equal or better”: I have a car, job and apartment, so dude should have the same shit (isn’t that crazy that these BASELINE ADULT THINGS are really standards?). Overall though, especially now that I’m apart of the working world, I want someone who has a passionate focus, a cultivated discipline and just the ambition to fulfill anything in the face of fear; having a dayjob and communicating with others who have dayjobs and no major passions just turns life into numbing static that takes away the color of each day. However, I’m starting to feel more and more that perhaps this is unrealistic for me and that as long as I have dude’s support, everything will be all right: I should be with someone who balances me out.
Maybe it’s just overall fear as well. I’m so tired of dating and the landscape is pretty limited on quality, especially the more socially aware I’ve become and just realizing how fucking honest and seemingly fearless I can be in a nation full of spineless, numbed cowards. I care a lot for my boyfriend, but some times I do feel like I’m compromising because being alone sucks: maybe it wouldn’t suck so much if I didn’t also struggle to maintain a social life with constantly busy friends, distant hook-ups and all types of basic human interaction that NO ONE wants to fucking initiate with me. I also have a solid distance from humanity and I often feel like I’m so passionate about FEELING and CARING ABOUT PEOPLE that I freak folks out, sooooo...
I am an amazing person with a relatively average dude. But even saying that, he’s perhaps not so average. He loves touch and intimacy pretty much on the same level that I do. I can talk to him about matters of the world and issues that effect my identity and he can kinda understand and teach me things. He has a nice butt and muscles and a cute yet crazy dog who is okay with Ebster. I find it frustrating that he “goes with the flow” and can be indecisive to the point of paralysis, but I don’t know...
Maybe I’m starting to learn that what he has going on won’t pull me away from my ambitions and that he provides the type of connection that I’ve been starved of.
I’m always afraid that if I associate with people who aren’t perfectly aligned with what I want to be that I’m diluting myself. Where does this thought come from?
I should never allow myself to believe that I am so weak.